During drinks with my girlfriends recently, several were lamenting the lack of romance in their marriages – well, except for Claire, who is having a jolly old time getting hot and heavy in the dating scene after her divorce.
Not surprisingly, kids, careers and life in general seems to kill any romance that might have been present at the start of the relationship. The said girlfriends all complained about their partners ‘not having a romantic bone in their body’ and wanted to know how to encourage their men to ‘be more romantic’ – beyond token efforts on anniversaries, birthdays and Valentine’s Day. As Dr Helen Fisher, Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute commented “For many couples, there is a precipitous decline in relationship satisfaction after a few years. The “romance” is gone.”
It struck me as unfair that men are expected to be solely responsible for the romance in a relationship. When I asked my girlfriends to describe the last romantic thing they did for their partners I was met with stunned silence.
My contention is that it’s the job of both parties in a relationship to keep the romance alive, not just the man’s. Romance is contagious – if you demonstrate it, you are much more likely to receive it. The difficulty is that most people know romance when they see (or experience it) but they can’t define it and don’t know how to rekindle it when life takes over.
Being a romance scholar (which is a fancy way of saying that I’ve read a large number of books and academic papers on the subject), I’ve studied what all the researchers and relationship experts have said and concluded that being romantic boils down to one key thing “Making your partner feel that they are the most important thing in your life”.
At this point many people will gasp and exclaim that their children are (and should be) the most important thing in their life. Sometimes they even rank their career ahead of their partner. My response is this “What greater gift could you give your children than demonstrating what a romantic and successful relationship looks like – a relationship they will copy in their own life.” That happy romantic relationship you are demonstrating has been found to be one of the keys both a happy and healthy life. The Harvard study, that has been going for 80 years, has found that how happy we are in our relationships has a powerful influence on our health.
Now that we’ve defined what ‘being romantic’ is, how do you achieve it? Luckily, science comes to the rescue here as well. The findings of researchers and opinions of experts can be condensed down into eight aspects. Let’s call them the 8 Habits of the Highly Romantic. They are:
Giving compliments and showing appreciation
Touching your partner frequently in a loving way
Spending quality time together as a couple
Performing romantic gestures
Doing deeds for your partner
Giving gifts and tokens of your love
Working on improving yourself
Creating intimacy through self-disclosure
Romance is like any other skill: If you don’t actively practice it, it will wither and die. Just as you learn the cultural norms of politeness: saying please and thank you, waiting in line and taking turns, you can learn to make romance a habit – giving your partner a kiss each time you part and rejoin, texting them love messages when you reach your workplace or giving them a compliment as soon as you see them in the morning or when you return home. If you practice these romantic skills on a regular basis they’ll become habits – you’ll do them without thinking. Just as you don’t have to think about brushing your teeth or picking up your keys when you leave the house, you can make romance an action that you don’t have to think about. Here’s an example: Each morning I like to read the newspaper on my iPad in bed. As I’m doing that I run my finger tips over my partner’s back. He loves it and it’s become a habit for me – I just automatically reach for him as soon as I start reading.
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, noted that couples who stay together have a ratio of positive interactions to negative ones of 20:1. That’s each day! The kisses or touches or compliments or thoughtful deeds need to outnumber the put downs, let downs and thoughtlessness by twenty times. What do you think the ratio is in your relationship?
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As I discussed in a couple of previous posts: Forgetting the GoodTtimes – How to to Savour Them Longer and 1 Simple Tip for Lasting Love, focusing on the positives in your relationship can have a profound impact on your level of relationship satisfaction. Building a habit of recalling your partner’s positive attributes (e.g. they make you laugh, they work hard to deliver the money the family needs or they take the time to visit and support their family and friends) even just once a day can really help keep the relationship (and the romance) alive.
But how do you do this when your mind consistently recalls the negatives – how your partner was late home AGAIN, the fact that they leave stuff lying around everywhere and have been grumpy for what seems like months?
How do you actually think positive when humans seem to have a natural tendency to focus on the negative? Fortunately, some clever scientists have been working on this problem. One of them is Alison Ledgerwood, Associate Professor within the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Davis (UC, Davis).
Alison and her colleagues conducted some experiments to look at what happens when you try to switch from one way of thinking about something to the opposite way of thinking. The classic example is looking at a glass of water containing about half of its capacity and thinking about it being either half full or half empty. Turns out, humans hang onto the negative a lot more than they do the positive. They find it much easier to go from good to bad than from bad to good. Politicians and the media take advantage of this all the time. For example, a politician might frame a statistic in the positive e.g. “45% of students are doing better than the global average in maths”. If you flip that, 55% of students are either doing worse or the same as the global average (or there’s something else going on – like they didn’t participate in the testing). Suddenly it doesn’t sound so good and because humans find it hard to switch from bad to good, if they hear the negative version of the statistic first then their overall response is negative, even if they are later told about the positive view.
Humans have to work harder to see the the upside of things, but it is possible to train yourself. Other research out of U.C. Davis shows that just writing what you are grateful for over a few minutes a day can dramatically boost your happiness.
The bottom line is: If you focus on the positives in your life and relationship and actively discuss them with others (including your partner!) and do actions that reinforce the positives to yourself you can reshape how you view things.
Alison discusses her research and suggestions for being more positive in her excellent TED talk – in the video below or on Youtube.
This documentary investigates the use of science to predict who you will love.
We’ve been trying to understand what love is for centuries. We’ve also been trying to understand why we love who we love.
This documentary follows Emily Soukas in New York as she looks for love. The work of anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher and neuroscientist Dr Lucy Brown is used to predict romantic success as well as DNA analysis.
What’s the secret formula for love? Should we put our fate into the hands of scientists or rely on Tinder?
The program appeared on Australian television on SBS Date Line in October 2016. If you cannot play the video it will be because of geo-blocking due to broadcasting rights.
Travelling for business always sounds glamorous – fancy hotels, company-paid dinners out and no family responsibilities for a few days or weeks (every mother who travels for business will tell you their guilty pleasure is ordering room service and eating dinner whilst watching junk TV in bed – completely alone!). The reality is very different – hotels, offices, airports, delayed flights, long meetings and jetlag. It’s all you can do to keep up with the office emails as well as prepare for presentations and meetings whilst you fight your body to be on the same time zone as everyone else. You get home – exhausted and just want to flop on the couch.
Meanwhile… your partner has been keeping everything running at home. If you have kids, they’ve had to shoulder all the parenting and household responsibilities, potentially whilst working themselves. If a child has been sick while you’ve been away then they’ve had to handle that on their own too. Worst of all is if they get sick themselves and have to look after kids whilst feeling like death warmed up (my toes are curling just thinking about it).
Travelling for business takes a heavy toll on relationships, particularly if it means the travelling partner is away from home for a high percentage of the time. The comparison between the glamour of dining with foreign colleagues in a fancy restaurant and arriving home to a grumpy partner, covered in baby vomit, standing in a sea of laundry and toys is rather stark. Neither of you is having fun at that point. Your partner wants to hand over the kids and go to bed and you want to turn around and run!
What’s the secret to keeping the romance alive in your relationship when you travel a lot? Bottom line – it’s the same as all romantic endeavours – making your partner feel that they are the most important thing in your life.
Here the four specific things you need to do each time you travel on business. Some of it you can outsource or schedule ahead of time so you can set and forget. Now, before you leave a comment about how it should be mindfully done in the moment etc, etc let’s get real. If it were easy to do romantic things whilst travelling then it would be happening already. But it’s typically not, so let’s automate it to make it happen.
1. Organise romantic gestures before you leave
As part of your pre-trip planning, think of ways you can show you care while you are gone. Have a standard checklist that you refer to so that you don’t have to think about it too much while you are frantically getting ready to leave. Use a list app in your smart phone so that you can easily access it each time you travel.
Hidden notes
Keep a notepad in the suitcase you normally take away. It can be as simple as a sticky note pad or you can buy something fancier. If you keep it in the case you’ll be reminded to write some love notes when you open it to pack. Write 4-5 notes that tell your partner what you love about them and what you are grateful for. Stick in them in places they are likely to discover them after you leave – in their favourite coffee cup, in their underwear drawer, on their car steering wheel or inside the bathroom.
Letters for emergencies
If you want to really blow it out of the water, write some letters to your partner that are suitable for certain crisis situations e.g. overwhelmed by kids, bad day at work, lonely etc. Label them with the situation and give them to your partner before you leave – to be opened in case of emergency! If you have no idea what to write or have poor writing skills, find someone on one of the task outsourcing sites or do a Google search for ‘copywriter + your location’ and work with them to write them. If there’s no emergency while you are away your partner can keep them for next time!
A helping hand
If your credit card comes with a free concierge service use it to organise small gifts or services to be delivered while you are away. Make the concierge service work for you – ask them find the best value for the thing you want (or ask them for suggestions on what to buy – I’ve found them to be an excellent service). (Not sure if you have a concierge service ? Do a Google search for ‘Name of your credit card + ‘concierge’ e.g. Commbank Diamond Awards card concierge)
Task outsourcing websites are your friend. Use them to quickly organise services to lighten the load of your partner while you are away. If you have chores you normally do when you are home then try to outsource these in your absence e.g. walking the dog, putting the rubbish bins out for collection, doing the laundry. The best approach is to use a task outsourcing service to find someone you can trust to use each time you travel. If money is tight try to ask family members or friends to help out and repay the favour when you get home. Spending money to make things easier for those left behind is a much better investment than grabbing an overpriced gift at the airport on the way home.
PRO TIP
Match.com’s 2017 Singles in America survey found that couples in long term relationships regarded taking care of your partner when they are sick as the top sign of love and commitment. If your partner gets sick while you are away on business either try to get home early or organise someone to provide care in your absence. If you have young children this is critical as there’s nothing that will build resentment faster than your partner having to care for them whilst they are sick themselves.
2. Keep in touch while you are away
It’s tough to keep in touch if you are travelling to a different time zone. Even tougher if you are changing time zones every few days. When you first arrive check the time zone difference and put a reminder in your calendar for the time just before your partner typically goes to bed so you can call them to say goodnight. Try to do this each night.
Before you fly out, download an SMS scheduling app onto your phone. Use time at the airport or in the air to setup a series of messages to your partner to be sent while you are away. There are also hacks for scheduling messages in other messaging services e.g. WhatsApp. Can’t think of what to say? Here are some suggestions (or download my list of 40 romantic messages that aren’t corny):
“Thinking of you gorgeous. Can’t wait to hear your voice again. I want to wish you goodnight and thank you for everything you do for me.”
No idea what to write on a love note or in a text message?
Try these:
Z
Daily habits back home. If you normally enjoy a cuddle before you get up in the morning then schedule a message to be sent at that time and tell your partner how much you are missing that ritual e.g. “Good Morning! Wish I was snuggled up with you right now.”
Z
Dreams and hopes for the future – remind your partner of the dreams and plans you share for the future. “I know it’s tough now but I’m dreaming of us sitting on our future porch overlooking the lake and I’m so glad it will be with you.”
Z
Countdown until you are back together e.g. “Only 5 more sleeps until I’m home! Can’t wait.”
Z
What attributes, features and abilities do you love most about your partner? Maybe it’s their ability to make you laugh, their sexy smile or the feel of their skin against you? Send a series of messages listing them. For the most impact, try these guidelines on how to give the best compliments.
Z
Memories from your shared past – recall a fun or romantic or exciting time you shared together. Include how it makes you feel. For example: “Remember when we walked along that gorgeous beach at sunset in Bali? I felt so connected to you.”
PRO TIP
To remind you to take action, set the wallpaper on your laptop and your smart phone to be a photo of your partner or of the two of you. Don’t know how? Just do a Google search for “How to set the wallpaper on an android/iOS phone” or “How to change the Windows 10 background”! If you are thinking…”Really??!! Like I’m going to forget to call home?” then think about how easy it is to get bogged down in the meetings, events and social engagements associated with business travel and forget what time it is back home until it’s too late.
Free download
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3. Reconnect when you get home
After a tough trip away it’s tempting to flop on the couch and steel yourself for returning to the office (and the 300 emails that you haven’t answered yet). Remember to return the focus to your romantic relationship and plan an activity to reconnect with your spouse when you return. Again, your credit card’s concierge service might be your lifesaver here. Before you leave on a trip or while you are away, give the concierge service the task of finding a date night activity for when you return. Ideally, make it something novel – not just dinner or a movie (here’s why).
Make it for a few days after you get back – so you have a chance to get back into the time zone. Give the concierge a budget, how far you are willing to go and what types of activities you both like (use our treasure trove of date night ideas to find something novel). If you need a babysitter, set that up ahead of time too.
Express gratitude
Every now and again (and preferably more frequently), take your partner’s face in your hands and express sincere gratitude for what he/she does for your relationship. This might be earning money to contribute to the household, taking on most of the parenting responsibilities, or just putting up with you when you are a pain in the butt. State the act that you are grateful for and how it makes you feel e.g. “Thank you so much for being such a great parent to our kids, I’m so proud of how they are turning out”.
4. Build empathy by living their life every so often.
If your business trip is particularly long or you’ve been travelling a lot, think about organising a weekend away for your partner when you get back. Ask them if they want to go on their own or take a close friend or family member. You take over the domestic responsibilities and they get to be free for a weekend. The aim of this weekend is to give your partner a well deserved break but also for you to experience what life is like at home when you travel. It’s time to build empathy for what your partner goes through each time you are away. You get bonus points if one of the kids is sick!
Why bother?
At this point you might be thinking “But I’m too busy with work to do any of this!” or “My partner doesn’t complain about my business travel so why should I bother?”
Think about it this way – what will give you a better return on investment:
Spending 30 minutes scheduling some text messages, calling your credit card concierge or outsourcing a task so that your spouse feels loved and cared for.
Or…
Spending 30 minutes answering work emails. More will just flood in to take their place anyway!
Science says that it’s your relationships that will keep you happy and healthy over the long term, so putting effort into your romantic relationship might just be the best investment you ever make!
I stumbled on this infographic in an airline magazine (Jetstar’s September edition here’s a larger version of the graphic). I will admit I was a captive audience as I was pressed up against the window by my fellow traveller who was taking up more than their fair share of the seat. Anyway… as I had lots of time to concentrate on the article it struck me that this infographic is a handy tool for deciding on an activity for a date with your beloved. Remember how science says that you should do things that are novel and challenging on date night (whether it’s at night or not!)?
Selecting an date activity is not that easy – particularly when you have to consider the interests (and fears) of two people. Whilst the infographic certainly doesn’t cover all of the activities in our database of ideas , it provides some good prompts for the things to think about:
Does your partner need to be in control?
Do they hate heights or water activities?
What about group activities
Do they love or hate snow.. or sand?
Obviously, the adventures Jetstar have selected are designed for holidays or weekends, when you have plenty of time (not a quick midweek date night when you have a babysitter for 2 hrs!).
I hope you get some use out of it – I thought it was a great idea.
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Quick – you’ve got 30 seconds to recall a romance experience you shared with your partner….
Could you do it? If you couldn’t you are not alone.
A new study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that although people expect to enjoy recalling happy times long after the event, life takes over and they usually forget to remember those experiences.
That romantic trip to Paris? That dreamy time you danced in each other’s arms on the beach? You were probably day dreaming about recalling such memories when you planned the trip. In fact, half of the fun of travel or attending events is the anticipation of being able to recall the fabulous time you had, years later. Unfortunately, the study found that people frequently overestimate how much they will think of, or talk about, happy memories. Turns out, the more you expect to remember the more you overestimate how much you will savour it later on.
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One of the experiments conducted by the researchers at the New York University Stern School of Business involved participants who went to a U.S. Open tennis tournament. The next day they predicted they would reminisce much more than they reported doing two months later. In fact, the more they enjoyed the experience the more they overestimated. The studies indicated that this effect isn’t because people lose interest. One of the study’s author’s Stephanie Tully, assistant professor of marketing at USC Marshall, commented “Importantly, the desire to retrospect does not change over time. Past experiences become less top-of-mind over time, and, as a result, people simply forget to remember.”
How to boost your memory of romantic times
Thinking of positive aspects of your relationship is a science-proven way to boost feelings for your long term partner. Recalling happy/romantic times is an important way to do just that. One of the ways of remembering to remember those great times is to have visible mementos and photos on display. In a separate study, the researchers looked at the impact of buying mementos. People who purchased merchandise at events reported talking about the experience and looking at photos more often than those who didn’t. If you are someone who usually avoids the tourist trinket stalls or never buys the professional photos of events then maybe it’s time to re-think that strategy. That plastic Eiffel Tower key ring might be just the trigger you need to recall the romantic trip to Paris you and your partner enjoyed years ago.
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